Women and Men and Nonviolence

One result of my contact with feminists within the nonviolence movement is
that I have considered the question: what are the good things about being a
man?  I have pondered it deeply, sometimes painfully, sometimes joyfully.

I have asked my brothers the same question, particularly those of my brothers
who, like myself, have encountered feminism and nonviolence.   The responses
here have generally been a bit depressing.  Men feel that there is nothing
particularly good about being a man, especially given their understanding of
what we have done to women, each other and the Earth.  They may acknowledge
that there are some good 'human' qualities that men have, but nothing that
can be attributed to being manly.

Anyway, all this is backdrop and brings me to the National Nonviolence
Gathering held over the ANZAC long weekend at Commonground, Seymour,
Victoria.  On one of the evenings, about thirty-five of us got together to
discuss gender issues within the Australian Nonviolence Network(ANN).   We
broke into small single gender groups to address three set questions, which,
for the men were;
1. What is difficult about being a man within the Network?
2. What do you think is difficult about being a woman in the Network?
3. What can women do to make it easier for men?  Women were given the
flipside of these.  These very enveloping questions were cooked up by two of
the 'elder' feminists at the gathering.

Following this, back at the big group, we tossed in highlights of what
surfaced in response to these three questions.  They must have been evocative
questions, because what came out most powerfully was a mutual recognition of
our respective struggles in grappling with patriarchy as a central element of
our efforts to build a nonviolent world.  What really struck me was that
women were very conscious of the pain and fear that men have had to deal with
in trying to come to grips with feminism.

Now, you may say - so the bastards/we ought to!  But I was so struck by the
maturity (it seems to be the word that keeps coming to mind) of both, to
respect each other's journey.  One of the question crafters even stated that
it was this sense that here (within ANN) was a safe place for women, and that
it had given her hope for working with mixed groups again.  It was all
getting pretty emotional, as we began to realise that this was a safe place
for women and men to share their pain - and their hopes.

This all brings me to the reason why I am telling this.  It was because this
was the first time I have seen such a strong level of trust within a mixed
social change network and is evidence of the development of ANN as a truly
revolutionary force.  It further convinces me that this mutual respect  is so
crucial to women and men being able to really get together and build a potent
and enduring nonviolent alliance outside of patriarchy.

Anyway, enough of the heady (maybe that should be hearty) stuff for a bit,
because our evening of nonviolence and gender issues then launched into
something that I have never seen anywhere before.  We engaged in a mutual
admiration exchange, or a pissing in each other's pocket session as they say
in the old language.  This was important as we had a couple of SOFY's present
- that is, Sensitive Old Fashioned Yobbo's.

This was kicked off by asking that question - what is good about being a man?
To this women, and some men brainstormed verbatim the following:
Heaps of energy, ability to love, good physical support, theory heads,
clarity and logic of thinking, ability to work on their own, capacity to act
as protectors/guardians, Robin Hood tradition - strong heroes and tradition
of heroism about resistance, physical courage, braveness, rumbly richness of
their voices, silence/pondering, can just shrug and walk away and not
analyse, have some feelings as women do, the way they wear their hair long
down their backs, unpredictability of male hair around body, can see what
roles they are being forced into and can act against it, healthy lustfulness,
the effort that goes into being an aware man, their flannelette shirts,
excellent parents, tenderness, roughness, worry less about appearances (when
together on own), different camaraderies/ways of relating, good end of
sports/homebrewing, men's emotions, good models about being angry, ability to
support, big warm rough hugs, sense of humour, nonpatriarchal protection of
the outer circle

So it looks like there are some great things about being a man after all. 
Don't deny our manly attributes, just use them well. Maybe we can take heart
then, particularly if we can work out ways to ensure that our manliness is
harnessed for good ends.  What do they say? - fire is a good servant but a
bad master!

Of course this burst of admiration needed to be reciprocated, so this is what
we all thought about women;

Capacity for giving, leadership, laughter, music, courage, caring and
support, energy,  positive sense of themselves, hugs, women's solidarity,
resilience, see through bullshit, women's glue makes world go around,
creativity, sensuality, irrationality, spirituality, softness, talk about
relationships - process - everything!, patience, curves and bumpy bits,
capacity for analysis, women's actions, the way women move, have a cuppa and
get right into it, wholistic perspective, anger, can deal with conflict, can
express emotions, love and accept each other, women's books,  social glue,
gossip - magic - ability to fly, wisdom, can handle pain of childbirth,
women's wickedness, connection to Mother Earth,  egalitarian tendencies,
sneakiness,  perspectives especially re patriarchy,  dare to be different,
hairy armpits, legs and chins, look at recipe of how to be a real girl and
say - get fucked

It sure looks like there is plenty here for women to feel uppity about.  It
appears that there are things special to being a women, as there are things
special to being a man and yet other things that we hold special together.

But being a pro-feminist competitive bastard, I noted that the men's list is
nearly as long as the women's.  Given the state of my research about what is
good about being a man before the Gathering, I reckon this is big progress. 
Yes I know that we men can get swelled heads and again lose the
nonpatriarchal plot, just like we have done for the last five thousand years.

But what if we don't?  What if men develop ways of remembering that fire is
only good as a servant, but if that role is played well then we can stand
proud and earn the respect of our sisters, and go on to build a nonviolent
world of our own that everyone can share.
Ed McKinley